I want to describe the feeling of restlessness, or aspects of it. There may be a certain restlessness that is not immediately solvable, and that is perhaps, for the time being, not even meant to be removed. This restlessness might actually be necessary for us, as a motivator for our seeking. As long as we are not home, or perhaps not even on the right road home, it would be almost “inappropriate” for us to feel comfortable and at ease (although at the same time of course we should be in peace while seeking, but that is another matter. Or perhaps the same).
But I wanted to write about some other aspects of restlessness, which might be a little less basic, and seem less necessary or useful. These aspects are more like neurotic.
First of all there is the fretfulness, nervousness about not knowing what to do first. There seems to be so much to do on the spiritual path, so much to purify, in so many possible ways, that I don’t know where to start. I can be reading a book, then stop to think and consider that I better read another one, or sit down to meditate, do that and get up again after a few minutes. There is no peace at all when I’m in this kind of mood.
There is also restlessness involved in appreciating all the good and beautiful things in this world. For one thing, there are so many things I would like to try, so many places I’d like to see, so many people I’d like to communicate with… that there seems no time for everything, and again this makes me restless.
Then, when I find something beautiful, experience beauty, meet a beautiful person… I seem to feel frustrated at the impossibility to express my entire appreciation of this beauty, or my happiness, joy, whatever. It seems negative experiences and emotions are easier to express (you cry, you break things). Perhaps our hearts are not ready yet to really experience the most wonderful emotions, being as we are so used to thinking negatively.
It is clear from this that often my inner peace is entirely absent. I do not doubt that the motivation to look, the drive to search, is very much present in me, but I guess it is also necessary to develop an attitude of acceptance (the latter sounds like a paradox, but whatever, it won’t be the first, nor will it be the last).
