Restlessness

I want to describe the feeling of restlessness, or aspects of it. There may be a certain restlessness that is not immediately solvable, and that is perhaps, for the time being, not even meant to be removed. This restlessness might actually be necessary for us, as a motivator for our seeking. As long as we are not home, or perhaps not even on the right road home, it would be almost “inappropriate” for us to feel comfortable and at ease (although at the same time of course we should be in peace while seeking, but that is another matter. Or perhaps the same).

But I wanted to write about some other aspects of restlessness, which might be a little less basic, and seem less necessary or useful. These aspects are more like neurotic.

First of all there is the fretfulness, nervousness about not knowing what to do first. There seems to be so much to do on the spiritual path, so much to purify, in so many possible ways, that I don’t know where to start. I can be reading a book, then stop to think and consider that I better read another one, or sit down to meditate, do that and get up again after a few minutes. There is no peace at all when I’m in this kind of mood.

There is also restlessness involved in appreciating all the good and beautiful things in this world. For one thing, there are so many things I would like to try, so many places I’d like to see, so many people I’d like to communicate with… that there seems no time for everything, and again this makes me restless.
Then, when I find something beautiful, experience beauty, meet a beautiful person… I seem to feel frustrated at the impossibility to express my entire appreciation of this beauty, or my happiness, joy, whatever. It seems negative experiences and emotions are easier to express (you cry, you break things). Perhaps our hearts are not ready yet to really experience the most wonderful emotions, being as we are so used to thinking negatively.

It is clear from this that often my inner peace is entirely absent. I do not doubt that the motivation to look, the drive to search, is very much present in me, but I guess it is also necessary to develop an attitude of acceptance (the latter sounds like a paradox, but whatever, it won’t be the first, nor will it be the last).

why search?

Often, people cannot understand what the spiritual quest is about. They wonder why one would spend so much time searching for something so ephemeral and elusive.

In a way, their concern is quite right, and we should, of course, be in the here and now. Yet to say we should not search is too easy. In any case, there is something to find.

Why do I search and what am I looking for?

Because I feel that there is more. I feel that there may be an explanation for the world, for life, for all that is happening. I feel the world is more than "a tale told by an idiot". I feel there are unfathomable mysteries that we may yet uncover, that there are answers to questions. I also believe that we can be a lot happier than we are right now. I believe we can be a lot wiser, a lot better. I believe we can learn to know ourselves. I believe that we can be more loving people. And I believe we can do all this, if we really want to, if we really try.

Does this mean I am not content with myself as I am, with the world as it is? Being satisfied and searching for more do not have to exclude each other. They can coexist. I can be happy with who I am and with what I know, while striving to be better and to know more. There is no contradiction.
But yes, there is a kind of unrest, most of the time. A lack of peace, that drives me to keep searching, till I find what I know is out there. I am sure that this search is, or can be, the most joyful, fascinating, brilliant thing we can ever hope to endeavour.

And no matter wether we believe we have to search or not, we are... We have been searching since the day we were born. Only most people are not aware that it is searching we are doing... Most people are not aware of the goal, yet it is there.

what is spirituality

Spirituality for me is about two things:

1. improving oneself, to become as good and loving a person as possible
2. the belief that there is more than what we see, that there are hidden forces, energies, creatures...

1 without 2 could be just self-help or psychotherapy. 2 without 1 could be just a fascination with the paranormal. It is the combination of both that defines spirituality.

In this blog I write about my spiritual quest, the aim of which is to become as good and loving as possible and to understand as much as possible about the world around me, hidden or not.