Nonviolent communication and compassion

In the past few months, I've been studying a bit of nonviolent communication. Nonviolent communication, developped by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, is described as a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart. Rosenberg believes that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner. He developed this system as he was wondering why most of us get so disconnected from this compassionate nature. Nonviolent communication, then, is a way to reconnect us to that nature.

Isn't that a wonderful idea in itself? To go look for a way to communicate so that compassion flows? One of the core points in the whole system is the focus on needs. When other people tell us something we don't like to hear, most people's first tendency is to get angry at them, blame them, or perhaps blame ourselves. A much better way, Rosenberg says, is to focus on needs: what need is behind the other person's anger or criticism? What needs is behind my reaction? Focusing on needs is something most of us never learned to do.
One other thing that was very valuable to me was how Rosenberg describes empathy. Empathy is just being present and listening. He quotes fellow psychologist Carl Rogers: "it is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard." We don't listen enough. I certainly don't.

I believe this way of communicating has the potential to help bring peace to the world. And indeed, Rosenberg has been a mediator in many international conflicts.

What I did was to listen to nine hours of the nonviolent communication training course and read Nonviolent communication: a language of life, as well as the Nonviolent communication companion workbook. It's not obvious to integrate the whole system in your life and way of communicating, but rather a lifelong effort, I think - even though just trying to remember to focus on needs really helps.

To get a quick nine minute flavour of what nonviolent communication and Marshall Rosenberg are all about, you can watch this video

Recognizing beauty

The images of the pope embracing a man with a severe skin condition, went all around the world. They moved me too.

You would think that no words are necessary. But in this day and age, where religion and any form of spirituality are under constant attack (very often rightly so), it seems safer to state that yes, you know the pope is the head of an institution that is responsible for a lot of wrong things and wrong views in the world, but that, in spite of all that, this gesture is still a beautiful one.
Yet I hope some day we will all be able to recognize beauty, inspiration, kindness... no matter where they come from, no matter who does it, no matter what the context. We should be prepared to see it everywhere, also in the places where and from the people of whom we least expect it. Because if there is beauty or compassion or inspiration somewhere, and we can't see it because our prejudices are blinding us, what hope could there be? How could we hope to multiply all that's good, if we cannot see it?

Until all beings are enlightened

It's been a long, long time since I wrote on this blog, but I want to pick it up again :-)
My mother sent me the video below. It comes from Plum Village in southern France, where the Vietnamese Monk Thich Nath Hanh resides.



I think the whole video is achingly beautiful, and if am allowed to analyse this beauty, I can attribute that not just to the sound, or the very moving expression of Thich Nath Hanh, with his hand on his heart, but also to some other things.
First, all these people, over there in Plum Village, eat no animal products. Out of compassion. They live there as vegans, which is rare even among spiritual communities, who are (if not omnvirous) mostly vegetarian.

Secondly, there's the subject of the song, which is a "homage to Avalokitesvara" (see the comments). I'm not a scholar or follower of Buddhism, but here is my (limited) understanding of it. Alokitesvara is the Bodhisattva of Compassion. Now, the thing is, I find the concept of a Bodhisattva one of the most beautiful things mankind has come up with. Basically, a Bodhisattva is a an enlightened being, which means that he could leave the incarnated world (Earth and perhaps other worlds) and enter the bliss of Nirvana. A Bodhisattva, however, is not that selfish :-) because (by definition) he has sworn not to do that until all beings are equally ready. So he just hangs around here, among us, "to help all beings to the farther shore", like it says in another Plum Village song.

I don't know the purpose of Existence can be anything else than that. And I don't know if there's anything more beautiful either.

Tearless eyes

Tearless eyes
Sometimes TV-entertainment can give you the deepest form of inspiration. I was watching the HBO series Deadwood. There was a funeral, and the preacher quoted from somewhere in the bible, I guess (although I haven't found where exactly it came from). It was one of the most beautiful quotes I've ever heard:

Your ways are not our way O Lord. We abide, the just and unjust alike, under your tearless eye. Tearless not because you do not see us, but because you see what we are so well.

How beautiful is that? For the ones allergic to any image or talk regarding god or other heavenly beings, that is not what this is about. It's about our value as humans, our potential. Nobody looking at us from above or from anywhere else, observing what we do here, is crying. Not because they are not looking very well, but because the truth is apparent: we can do much better, and some time we will. That's why there is no cause for tears. I love it.

It's spring today

I’m smelling spring. In the scent of the Japanese cherry trees blossoming nearby. I smell them in the flowers in the grass. And just in the air, when the wind is right and I am looking in the right direction. And I feel it in my body.

If you are a little bit like me (an optimist? A very naïve person? A complete nutcase?) perhaps you also feel another Spring arriving. A bigger Spring. Perhaps you are noticing how, slowly but surely, another time is approaching. A time of more consciousness, more softness, more compassion, more wisdom. A time in which we finally succeed at telling the important from the unimportant. It started recently, with a small group of people . Right now, it’s catching up speed. And soon we are a waterfall that can no longer be stopped.

And yet… spring, today, is no longer obvious. Predicting the weather is more difficult every day. Years ago, Rachel Carson wrote about a “silent spring”, one without birdsong, and perhaps without cherry blossoms. The predictions for the future are dire and nothing is sure.

But of course spring will keep coming! Of course the birds keep singing! Of course the blossoms will keep bringing us joy every year. Of course that big Spring is coming. Because you and I are working for it! Together, we eat our way to another time in a new world. The fork, as Gandhi said, is the mightiest weapon on the world.

So grab your weapon! It’s up to us.

Let’s promise each other a wonderful spring!
Enjoy your meal

Imagination

Everything starts with an image. An idea. A thought. Perhaps we will never be attain what we were never able to imagine.
I am able to imagine a better human being. A human who has rid himself of anger, of fear, of jealousy, of the need for approval. A being who can devote his entire attention to the wellbeing of others, because he himself is happy and knows that he is safe. A person whose center is love. He is not involved in proving himself, securing his future, finding money or food or shelter, because he knows he will never lack anything anymore in his lifetime.

Is this so hard to imagine?
If so, why?

Being vulnerable

We're all afraid. Every single one of us. Even the bravest among us. Sometimes you may have to look closely, but you can spot the fear in everyone.
We're all vulnerable. Especially the ones of us who are vulnerable enough to care.
We will probably die being afraid and we certainly will be vulnerable when we die. We can spend our given lifetime trying to overcome our fears, trying to heal ourselves, trying to get strong.
And so we should. We should spend a lifetime on healing ourselves. But I believe we shouldn't postpone everything else until we are healed. It's so wonderful to see people move even while they know they don't have it all together. People trying to help knowing their own self is still fragmented.
There's so many bad things in world, but how can I not be hopeful when I see so many people doing great things, in spite of the fear, in spite of their uncompleteness, in spite of their not being ready?
And the beauty is, we get ready doing the things we are not ready for.